So months ago I did the implusive thing to quit my job and hoping for my freelance job to pick up. The opposite happens.
I have so much free time now I don't know what to do with it.
I don't even feels like making an effort to do anything, as I feels they are pointless.
As a preparation of going into quarantine upon returning to Malaysia, I was planning to order some groceries before hand so I could have them ready when I arrived.
Scrolling through the shopping cart, and seeing all the items I added, but never checked out for my mother, and realising now everything will be too late. I remember her nagging me to get some groceries for her, and remember feeling annoyed mostly. But now, looking back, we just not communicating correctly. I would add them to my shopping cart, but wouldn't check out until I felt that she was nicer to me. Perhaps I was really petty.
Life is so short.
I hope in the end, she realise that I do love her, even if I might not love her the way she wanted.
I just wanted her to be nicer to me.
My mother passed away recently. Cancer.
She was already battling cancer for so long without getting any treatments, when she finally to get chemotherapy, I was really glad. I thought it will help her and she will be healthy again.
The first chemotherapy was done by a doctor in a private hospital in Penang. This was the beginning of all the nightmare.
She gotten very high doses of chemo and lost so much weight she was barely unrecognizable. She couldn't travelled during her chemotherapy and I have stupidly chosen to focus on my work so I didn't go to visit her. When her chemotherapy completed, she came over to visit us and it only hit me how skinny she gotten.
But I was happy, I thought, maybe a surgery or two, my mother would be healthy again.
THAT WAS NOT THE CASE
Turnout, my mother cancer had spread from her breast to her liver. In this situation, high doses are NOT recommended. We can see those tumour already that time with the scan, but it was too late.
My mother's belly suddenly started to swell, full with liquid, a clear sign her liver is giving the most problem now. We went to IKN, got some treatment, it was good, it was really good.
THEN, COVID CAME.
Suddenly the waiting time is so long and crazy, we have to wait for hours even a whole day to talk with the doctor. Nurses and doctors started to lose patience with us, they started to refuse helping us to print the blood test results, they started to forget the medicines, or worse, gave wrong medicines.
My mother was losing hope. Her only hope now was her primary care doctor, Dr.J.
When she found out that he had left, and her new doctor wouldn't sit down a minute to listen to her, she started to be scare, worry, helpless.
We thought, perhaps, time for a new doctor.
THAT'S WAS THE END
We changed to Beacon Hospital.
My mother still have her belly swollen, and hard time walking, they offered to installed a tube.
RIGHT INTO HER BODY.
It was too painful for my mother.
Few days after, she vomitted blood.
In less than a week, she passed away. Not peacefully, struggling with pain for days because doctor would not listen to her or gave her any painkillers.
THAT WAS ONLY WHEN I LEARN,
We can't trust doctor, not really
Not the private hospital doctor
And we can't change that,
Public sector doctors will be overworked or burnt out.
SO, I LOST MY MOTHER.
I was in away when this happened, and due to COVID, I couldn't return in time.
I was lucky, I escape her most painful moments.
But I feels so guilty.
Guilty that I was not around for her.
Guilty that I couldn't help her more.
LAST NIGHT,
I dreamt about her.
It wasn't like any other dreams, it felt real, yet unreal.
I saw her, far away, floating, back in her old self.
Happy, with shining black hair...
Smiling in her usual playful smirk
But I just couldn't reach her.
Not matter how hard I tried.
I was scare, I don't know what is happening.
I do not want her to go
But I could not go to her..
I am not sure if it was really her spirit,
Checking in on me
I brought a lot of stuffs from the online shopping platform. Looking around my room, from the big items like the desk, the wardrobe, the bed, to the smaller items like my comb, my laptop.
Normally, I am very careful. I will only brought from the flagship store if there is one. If not, maybe the official store. But sometimes, or often, in my case, eager to try something new, I will buy from other seller on those platform.
Had I encounter any counterfeits items? Yes. One time, it was the perfume, Giorgio Armani, Si, for almost RM170, very cheap. But, it said to be original and were used on the counter as tester.
The other time, was recently, this time I am not sure if it is counterfeits, or simply poor QA. Well, this time it is different, because, I had just join a group dedicated to the buyer and seller on one of those platform. Sxxxxe.
Cool, let raise awareness. I am always trying to help others. So, I posted it. Asking if there is any advise. To my horror, I am being acccused of hurting business, asking too much. Even some, stated, if I wanted genuine product, I should opted to buy in store instead of online
Someone else posted how to raise complaints to government body in case of fraud. She was attacked, some even defended the seller because it is hard time. Some mocked the buyer for not knowing the prices of genuine product, or simply, ignorance and greedy.
Reading those comments, I proceeded to cancelled all my order in Sxxxxe that not from a flagship store.
My only order from a non-flagship store is live plants.
Thanks for saving me from my shopoholic self.
Growing up in Malaysia, I learned about how to navigate myself among the different races from young. Being told by adults that I should never offered pork to Malays and beef to Indians was quite important, not because we should respect them, but we are afraid of the retaliation, as what happened in 513 incident.
So, from young, I was told its we against them. But, it quickly get complicated. My cousins, are what we would called a "banana" here, yellow on the outside, white on the inside. It is a derogatory term which subtly insults any Chinese who cannot, or would not, learns and speaks mandarin. Some of them are quite proud to speaks English. I didn't understand the logic behind this distinction.
Somewhere between high school and primary school, my sister started getting mocked for her slightly tan skin tone as compared to mine. My mother finally shared with us, that when she about to married my father, my grandparents were not happy about her genetic profile, below average height and dark skin tone. My grandfather even objected the union. Suddenly I realize, racisms are so deep rooted. My father, who works as a mechanic, had a workshop just in front of where we used to live as a kid. Because of my sister darker skin tone, she was very popular among the Malays customers, who tends to have a darker skin tone compare to Chinese.
All these, subtle, yet pronounce different treatment, is why Chinese people can be so indifferent, to many suffering of others. If you always find more differences, than similarity with others, even those whom you share the same language. It is dangerous.
Situation in China now, where fair skin, big eyes are all the hype, we are not only imposing unrealistic beauty standard, but we also encourage racism. Why? Because beauty, in all shades, and sizes, should be considered. We should impose more appreciation towards inner beauty and talents. Once that is achieved, there should be less racism.
Lost cat
Once I found a kitten
He was blind
He was small and absolutely vulnerable
He trusted me
I brought him home
We spent a lot of days being ourselves
Reason told me I couldn’t have more cats
My cats doesn’t like him
He has needs
Special needs
I can’t
I don’t have the time
I told myself this
I put him up for adoption
Year past
This morning you told me he passed away
Only a picture
He is dead, cold
You didn’t even share his pictures with me
My kitten
Your cat
Lost forever
