Too Late

 As a preparation of going into quarantine upon returning to Malaysia, I was planning to order some groceries before hand so I could have them ready when I arrived.

Scrolling through the shopping cart, and seeing all the items I added, but never checked out for my mother, and realising now everything will be too late. I remember her nagging me to get some groceries for her, and remember feeling annoyed mostly. But now, looking back, we just not communicating correctly. I would add them to my shopping cart, but wouldn't check out until I felt that she was nicer to me. Perhaps I was really petty.

Life is so short.

I hope in the end, she realise that I do love her, even if I might not love her the way she wanted.

I just wanted her to be nicer to me.

Mother

 My mother passed away recently. Cancer.

She was already battling cancer for so long without getting any treatments, when she finally to get chemotherapy, I was really glad. I thought it will help her and she will be healthy again.

The first chemotherapy was done by a doctor in a private hospital in Penang. This was the beginning of all the nightmare.

She gotten very high doses of chemo and lost so much weight she was barely unrecognizable. She couldn't travelled during her chemotherapy and I have stupidly chosen to focus on my work so I didn't go to visit her. When her chemotherapy completed, she came over to visit us and it only hit me how skinny she gotten.

But I was happy, I thought, maybe a surgery or two, my mother would be healthy again.

THAT WAS NOT THE CASE

Turnout, my mother cancer had spread from her breast to her liver. In this situation, high doses are NOT recommended. We can see those tumour already that time with the scan, but it was too late.

My mother's belly suddenly started to swell, full with liquid, a clear sign her liver is giving the most problem now. We went to IKN, got some treatment, it was good, it was really good.

THEN, COVID CAME.

Suddenly the waiting time is so long and crazy, we have to wait for hours even a whole day to talk with the doctor. Nurses and doctors started to lose patience with us, they started to refuse helping us to print the blood test results, they started to forget the medicines, or worse, gave wrong medicines.

My mother was losing hope. Her only hope now was her primary care doctor, Dr.J.

When she found out that he had left, and her new doctor wouldn't sit down a minute to listen to her, she started to be scare, worry, helpless.

We thought, perhaps, time for a new doctor.

THAT'S WAS THE END

We changed to Beacon Hospital. 

My mother still have her belly swollen, and hard time walking, they offered to installed a tube.

RIGHT INTO HER BODY.

It was too painful for my mother.

Few days after, she vomitted blood.

In less than a week, she passed away. Not peacefully, struggling with pain for days because doctor would not listen to her or gave her any painkillers.

THAT WAS ONLY WHEN I LEARN,

We can't trust doctor, not really

Not the private hospital doctor

And we can't change that, 

Public sector doctors will be overworked or burnt out.

SO, I LOST MY MOTHER.

I was in away when this happened, and due to COVID, I couldn't return in time.

I was lucky, I escape her most painful moments.

But I feels so guilty.

Guilty that I was not around for her.

Guilty that I couldn't help her more.

LAST NIGHT, 

I dreamt about her. 

It wasn't like any other dreams, it felt real, yet unreal.

I saw her, far away, floating, back in her old self.

Happy, with shining black hair...

Smiling in her usual playful smirk

But I just couldn't reach her.

Not matter how hard I tried.

I was scare, I don't know what is happening.

I do not want her to go

But I could not go to her..

I am not sure if it was really her spirit,

Checking in on me